This post originally appeared as part of Asexual Awareness Week 2016 at Just Love Reviews
Hi, I’m Michele and I’m a biromantic asexual. To celebrate Ace Awareness Week I’ll be talking about something which is important to me but rarely get to discuss, which is the sadly misunderstood and often ignored world of asexual kink. I’m a domme, but many people don’t know how this is even possible – I hope this blogpost will help clear up some misconceptions about BDSM in general, and perhaps even offer some new ideas about what you might enjoy! Also please do keep in mind that the spectrum for enjoyment is just as varied for aces as for anyone else, so my experiences and preferences may not be the same as others, and although I will try to address everything as inclusively as possible I’m approaching this from a dominant’s perspective, so someone who identifies as a sub might necessarily have a different response. ?
So how can someone be kinky and asexual? There are several reasons this is not a contradiction, the first being there are plenty of nonsexual kinks and fetishes, especially ones involving domestic service, aesthetic pleasures like uniforms and cosplay, the psychological aspects of D/s, orgasm control/denial for your allosexual partner, and many aspects of pet play. (I am partial to all of these. ;- ) Even ‘standard’ kinks like impact play and shibari that are always presented as sexual don’t have to be — you can relish being trussed in rope because it feels safe and relaxing, and you can delight in the way a rosy bottom looks after a spanking without wanting to do anything more. Sometimes a person just needs to experience subspace, or take time caring for their sub. Virtually everything in BDSM can be enjoyed nonsexually, if that’s how your headspace works — most people don’t separate the two, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. You can still feel the endorphin rush of a good scene without bringing sex into the equation, I promise.
Although it’s different for everyone, aesthetics and power dynamics are the main things I enjoy: I love feeling powerful and in control (because I feel helpless everywhere else), I love the beauty of corsets, collars, and possessive marks, and I love knowing someone trusts me enough to let me do whatever I want to them. Do I feel happy I’m being trusted like this? Yes. Proud and appreciative of the marks I leave? Ohhh yes. Smug and full of endorphins and dopamine? Hell yes. Do I want to have sex because of it? No, not particularly.
However, just because I don’t experience sexual attraction doesn’t mean I don’t experience arousal – but when I want to dominate someone that isn’t why I enjoy it. Being an asexual domme what actually ‘gets me off’ is the power exchange, knowing someone enjoys submitting to me, that’s what they like, that they think I’m capable and powerful and trustworthy – and if they gaze at me with adoring puppy eyes, well that’s even better!
I think the main thing I find so meaningful, as strange as it may sound, is that it helps me feel normal, that I’m not broken and I do have desires, even if they’re not conventionally recognised ones. Kink isn’t socially recognised anyway, so even though I don’t particularly feel a part of the BDSM scene (which is a post for another day), it’s still more of a community than I would otherwise have. I want to feel needed and appreciated, I want to be in control and I want to know someone is doing all they can to obey. If they find service, discipline and obedience sexually pleasurable, that suits me just fine, because I find it exceedingly pleasurable too. Just, differently. : )